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Monday, 11/16/2009
Per Larry/Priscilla (Reentry Coordinator/Program Administrator) I have permission to stay here at Salvation Army (SA) through the weekend of Nov 21,22. I am quite sure I must leave after that.
I have applied for General Assistance (GA, aka Welfare) a the Department of Social Services (SS). I saw an eligibility counselor today and qualified for the Welfare to Work program. They still need three documents from me (financial evidence), two of which I have as of today, one I'm still working on getting (below).
I spoke today to a man who is opening a transitional home in Oakland that sounds just perfect for me - however I don't qualify right now because I don't have a job; he says GA doesn't pay enough. The rent is only $450/mo with a $150 deposit for the smallest room he has - but they're single bed rooms, which is certainly appealing. I told him I'd check back with him when I do find employment (or get unemployment - again, below).
I tried to get a hold of EDD by phone today to find out how to handle the situation; I applied for unemployment back in November 2008, when I lost my job. I did qualify, but didn't collect any checks. The SS/GA folks think I can probably still get it, but may have to re-file. I lack a lot of information I need (my end) to do so. Their phone lines are nuts - due to some benefits extension legislation, they're flooded with calls, and only open the phones from 5 p.m. to 6 p.m. on weekdays. I tried calling for that whole hour today, and never got through. I'll be looking at alternatives (buried somewhere, I hope) on their web page. I also need evidence of application for the SS/GA folks (see above).
I got a very promising lead on a job in downtown San Francisco via e-mail today. I called immediately, and spoke to the tech recruiter. He seemed very convinced I'm a "good fit" (I agree), and he's passing my resume along.
Monday, November 23rd will be a very busy day for me. I have another GA/FSET (food stamps) information meeting (mandatory for GA participation) down at Social Services. My DOR (Department of Rehab - disability) contact has also e-mailed me requesting I call her on the 23rd to set up a meeting (she's out of office this week). This, of course, also happens to be the day I leave the SA.
I'm still applying for every posting/lead I get (from anywhere, anyone) that seems even near reasonable - and a few that are far fetched. Lots of hopeful signs - the movement today was good - but no interviews scheduled as yet.
I'm in a pretty serene place overall - thanks to the program & fellowship of AA and SA.
I did have a couple spiritual victories today, in addition to the good job lead. The first was an opportunity to share a testimony about the SA program with my very friendly eligibility counselor at SS. I told her of my situation, my alcoholism, my recovery, and my gratitude to SA. She said she'd heard it was a good program, though difficult, and I confirmed both. My second small victory was when I stopped at Wells Fargo Bank to get evidence of account closure or zero balance (I knew not which) for my (our) old account with them - unused and empty for almost a year. I found myself easily able to share information about my alcoholism and recovery program with the account representative (an honest explanation of the reason for account inactivity). Though the rep seemed to know little about the disease (she flashed on the passing of my wife - joint account, I had to tell - as a possible factor in my alcoholism - NOT - but I didn't press), she cheerfully got me what I needed, and it didn't cost a dime (which surprised me). She also swallowed without a burp the information I freely offered that I owe them one HOAL of money (though I couldn't say exactly). Dang, there might be something to this honesty stuff after all. It's still a huge future 9th step, but it's a lot less scary now.
As always, my watchwords, and prayers, are patience and perseverance. I'm really seeing the benefits of recovery ala the AA program, as I slog through the process of finding job and home, and though aware of the future, and planning as best I can, "worrying" these days only about doing the right things I can do today, and leaving the worries of tomorrow where they belong instead of inviting them over the time barrier for a visit. Not that I always get it perfect, but I do get it.
Tuesday, November 17, 2009
Tuesday, November 10, 2009
How Telling Your Product From Far Eastern
Thank you for proudly puchase of RocketTech(tm) 600 Can Opener/Knife Sharpener.
Product design many years happy usage.
Operation Instruction
---------------------
Warning!!! Important Safety Instruction!
Mis-use of product not labeled death or serious injury.
Never frayed or broken power cord use.
Keep fingers from sharp edges.
Young children not use please - important supervise children.
Quick Instruction
-----------------
Choose can or knife sharpen function switch (top of unit).
Can
Press handle firmly down.Important: Hold down until cycle complete. Other hand catch can prevent spillage.Careful lid - sharp edge!
Knife
No serrated!
Never children sharpen unsuperv.
Pull knife toward you - don't push.
3 or 4 times.
Only clean washed knive please.
Detail Instruction
------------------
Warranty Service
----------------
30 days - Return place of purchase along with receipt. Not responsible for mis-use.
Product design many years happy usage.
Operation Instruction
---------------------
Warning!!! Important Safety Instruction!
Mis-use of product not labeled death or serious injury.
Never frayed or broken power cord use.
Keep fingers from sharp edges.
Young children not use please - important supervise children.
Quick Instruction
-----------------
Choose can or knife sharpen function switch (top of unit).
Can
Press handle firmly down.Important: Hold down until cycle complete. Other hand catch can prevent spillage.Careful lid - sharp edge!
Knife
No serrated!
Never children sharpen unsuperv.
Pull knife toward you - don't push.
3 or 4 times.
Only clean washed knive please.
Detail Instruction
------------------
Warranty Service
----------------
30 days - Return place of purchase along with receipt. Not responsible for mis-use.
Sunday, November 8, 2009
Finding Gratitude
Here it is, a Sunday afternoon off at the Salvation Army ARC. Little to do but meditate and write - both good things for the soul - at least for awhile. I've always had some difficulty with unstructured time (a favorite pastime, of course, being to drink). Funny thing, boredom - a wise person once told me that there's no such thing as "being bored" - only "being boring" - I cannot but agree).
I used to equate boredom with loneliness, and though they are certainly close bedfellows, I now know they're not the same - for my "boredom" today is merely circumstantial (and actually, rather appreciated, in a weary introvert sort of way). My life these days is (for the most part) filled with such structure, and ever-increasing "busy-ness" (including much valued socializing), that I could hardly categorize myself as lonely - my connections to numerous other people being quite strong, secure, safe, pleasant; all those loneliness banishing qualities felt even as I write this. This, a gift of my recovery, engenders a deep sense of gratitude for the people in my life, and for the removal of the social fears that my working those 12 steps has brought me so far.
I sit today in what I can only characterize as a strange "phase" of my ongoing life-transformation. I know, with a certainty that pervades my being, that I'm poised to dive into a quality of living (or will I just slowly glide into same?) that is profoundly better than anything I've experienced before. It's not that I expect to have money, a home, or any of my materialistic desires (I'm normal in that sense); rather, I expect my recent discovery of me - the person I am when I'm in "fit spiritual condition" - to increase in depth (so long as I continue my investment in my recovery), bringing me serenity in any circumstance. The promises in the AA Big Book occur on the inside - that the "outside promises" (material) should happen also as a result isn't surprising, but neither are they a given. They turn out to be somewhat irrelevant next to the internally felt gifts I've already received.
Case in point; I'm currently enmeshed in a job search which is definitely going slower than I'd like - both in terms of my ability to engage it (somewhat held back by my continued presence here at the SA-ARC), and the tenuous results of said engagement. Remarkably (for me, compared to my "old" thinking style and feelings), my only worries about my situation come in the form of being slightly annoyed with so many people asking me repeatedly "how's the job search going?" I usually tell them something to the effect that "It's going... the same... slow..." and that I'm not worried about the 'when' and 'what' of it. And that's true - because I'm really not - and that's as amazing to me as it might be to anyone.
And no, I haven't missed the point that my annoyance with the question, slight though it may be, is reflective of my own unfinished state of recovery - I know that everyone who asks me that question is well-meaning, and in reality, I wouldn't have them stop asking for the world, for it reflects their concern, identification, and compassion for me as a recovering alcoholic searching for employment. So my annoyance, like my trouble with alcohol, is of my own making. The cure for it is the same: the spiritual solution I've been given through Alcoholics Anonymous.
So my focus now is on gratitude for that program, and for all the people in my life who are encouraging me, supporting me and my recovery, and even working, in some cases, behind the scenes (think of L in my previous post) to help me in this process. Gratitude is something that, as an alcoholic, with a self-centered, egotistical ("...maladjusted to life, ...full flight from reality, ...outright mental defectives.") alcoholic brain, I must practice every day if I am to stay in fit spiritual condition and maintain my recovery. My natural reaction to life (and people) is the cynical one - where there's something wrong with you and your motives. That reaction is soundly grounded in fear. And fear is the opposite of faith - and is one of the character defects I've asked the God of my understanding to remove.
And the God of my understanding definitely wants me to concentrate on my gratitude today - he's got a good sense of humor - in both of the speaker meetings I attended yesterday, the speakers chose "gratitude" as the topic for discussion. And it was yesterday I realized that gratitude is indeed something I have to practice - it's a new style of thinking for this alcoholic, and since we've already established above that it isn't natural for me, I have to approach it as a structured mental activity, to be practice daily if I want it to stick (and I do, because I know it's a cornerstone of my continued recovery). Prayer and meditation are good for this, and so are lots of meetings - being regularly reminded of just how bad my condition was, and how much worse it could easily be (because it's so easy for my broken alcoholic brain to forget those things) is a key part of my gratitude: that I don't have to drink today.
If you, the reader, feel like commenting, please share what you're grateful for today - whether you're in recovery, or just plain grateful. I'm grateful in advance for your thoughts.
Paul S
I used to equate boredom with loneliness, and though they are certainly close bedfellows, I now know they're not the same - for my "boredom" today is merely circumstantial (and actually, rather appreciated, in a weary introvert sort of way). My life these days is (for the most part) filled with such structure, and ever-increasing "busy-ness" (including much valued socializing), that I could hardly categorize myself as lonely - my connections to numerous other people being quite strong, secure, safe, pleasant; all those loneliness banishing qualities felt even as I write this. This, a gift of my recovery, engenders a deep sense of gratitude for the people in my life, and for the removal of the social fears that my working those 12 steps has brought me so far.
I sit today in what I can only characterize as a strange "phase" of my ongoing life-transformation. I know, with a certainty that pervades my being, that I'm poised to dive into a quality of living (or will I just slowly glide into same?) that is profoundly better than anything I've experienced before. It's not that I expect to have money, a home, or any of my materialistic desires (I'm normal in that sense); rather, I expect my recent discovery of me - the person I am when I'm in "fit spiritual condition" - to increase in depth (so long as I continue my investment in my recovery), bringing me serenity in any circumstance. The promises in the AA Big Book occur on the inside - that the "outside promises" (material) should happen also as a result isn't surprising, but neither are they a given. They turn out to be somewhat irrelevant next to the internally felt gifts I've already received.
Case in point; I'm currently enmeshed in a job search which is definitely going slower than I'd like - both in terms of my ability to engage it (somewhat held back by my continued presence here at the SA-ARC), and the tenuous results of said engagement. Remarkably (for me, compared to my "old" thinking style and feelings), my only worries about my situation come in the form of being slightly annoyed with so many people asking me repeatedly "how's the job search going?" I usually tell them something to the effect that "It's going... the same... slow..." and that I'm not worried about the 'when' and 'what' of it. And that's true - because I'm really not - and that's as amazing to me as it might be to anyone.
And no, I haven't missed the point that my annoyance with the question, slight though it may be, is reflective of my own unfinished state of recovery - I know that everyone who asks me that question is well-meaning, and in reality, I wouldn't have them stop asking for the world, for it reflects their concern, identification, and compassion for me as a recovering alcoholic searching for employment. So my annoyance, like my trouble with alcohol, is of my own making. The cure for it is the same: the spiritual solution I've been given through Alcoholics Anonymous.
So my focus now is on gratitude for that program, and for all the people in my life who are encouraging me, supporting me and my recovery, and even working, in some cases, behind the scenes (think of L in my previous post) to help me in this process. Gratitude is something that, as an alcoholic, with a self-centered, egotistical ("...maladjusted to life, ...full flight from reality, ...outright mental defectives.") alcoholic brain, I must practice every day if I am to stay in fit spiritual condition and maintain my recovery. My natural reaction to life (and people) is the cynical one - where there's something wrong with you and your motives. That reaction is soundly grounded in fear. And fear is the opposite of faith - and is one of the character defects I've asked the God of my understanding to remove.
And the God of my understanding definitely wants me to concentrate on my gratitude today - he's got a good sense of humor - in both of the speaker meetings I attended yesterday, the speakers chose "gratitude" as the topic for discussion. And it was yesterday I realized that gratitude is indeed something I have to practice - it's a new style of thinking for this alcoholic, and since we've already established above that it isn't natural for me, I have to approach it as a structured mental activity, to be practice daily if I want it to stick (and I do, because I know it's a cornerstone of my continued recovery). Prayer and meditation are good for this, and so are lots of meetings - being regularly reminded of just how bad my condition was, and how much worse it could easily be (because it's so easy for my broken alcoholic brain to forget those things) is a key part of my gratitude: that I don't have to drink today.
If you, the reader, feel like commenting, please share what you're grateful for today - whether you're in recovery, or just plain grateful. I'm grateful in advance for your thoughts.
Paul S
Friday, November 6, 2009
And On It Goes...
This past Tuesday, I had my long-awaited appointment with a counselor at the California Department of Rehabilitation (DOR). My purpose was to get advice on how to handle my dual disability (Meniere's) - sporadic vertigo and hard of hearing (HOH).
I'm happy to report a good experience with a very professional and knowledgeable counselor (L). L was very thorough in conducting our interview, and asking all the right questions about my disabilities - and also in figuring out which boxes to check on the standardized forms to shoehorn me into a good fit for the DOR services. To my slight surprise, she also categorized my alcoholism as a disability - honoring the "disease" model of alcoholism, which I hadn't really expected from a public agency. That being said, I still don't personally press that point in my own view of my limitations and needed accommodations - since my ongoing experiences of the promises from working the 12 steps of AA seem more like an empowerment to me than any sort of disability.
At the end of our interview, L informed me that I very likely qualify to receive DOR services, which could include things like transit passes, and certainly assistance in placement with an employer who will accommodate me - though, of course, my application is still being processed. To my question "How should I address my disabilities to prospective employers?", L gave a clear and firm answer - "YOU DON'T! - you'll just get yourself written off before you can even apply." Better, she told me, to apply and interview on my professional merits only, and deal with disability issues as they crop up once I'm hired.
One thing L did do for me that flies slightly in the face of that advice was to hook me up with a web-based staffing agency for the disabled called AbiliCorp. L even went so far as to e-mail me a job-posting list for my area of experience she'd recently gotten from them. I was then able to log into the AbiliCorp site, post my resume, and apply for several positions in the San Francisco Bay Area (where I am at present). As an addendum, today I visited the office of the Employment Development Department, who, among other services, are providing me with a message phone number (written message posted on the EDD bulletin board) to use on my resume/application. After only two days, I saw today a message posted for me from an AbiliCorp representative who'd found and spoken with a prospective employer who was impressed by my resume. Though I haven't got an interview yet, the representative says he's pressing for that - all good news.
In addition to that, I still have many other "irons in the fire" - and am consistently submitting applications as I almost daily receive relevant job listings through Monster and elsewhere. I'm still living (post graduate extension) at the Salvation Army ARC - my last day here will be Nov 17th. Though my housing situation after that is still uncertain, I've got leads I'm working there also.
As always, my thanks to all of you who have sent words of encouragement and good advice.
Paul S
PS: I now have a blog strictly dedicated to my resume and job search: Paul L Schneider - feel free to visit, and pass it along!
I'm happy to report a good experience with a very professional and knowledgeable counselor (L). L was very thorough in conducting our interview, and asking all the right questions about my disabilities - and also in figuring out which boxes to check on the standardized forms to shoehorn me into a good fit for the DOR services. To my slight surprise, she also categorized my alcoholism as a disability - honoring the "disease" model of alcoholism, which I hadn't really expected from a public agency. That being said, I still don't personally press that point in my own view of my limitations and needed accommodations - since my ongoing experiences of the promises from working the 12 steps of AA seem more like an empowerment to me than any sort of disability.
At the end of our interview, L informed me that I very likely qualify to receive DOR services, which could include things like transit passes, and certainly assistance in placement with an employer who will accommodate me - though, of course, my application is still being processed. To my question "How should I address my disabilities to prospective employers?", L gave a clear and firm answer - "YOU DON'T! - you'll just get yourself written off before you can even apply." Better, she told me, to apply and interview on my professional merits only, and deal with disability issues as they crop up once I'm hired.
One thing L did do for me that flies slightly in the face of that advice was to hook me up with a web-based staffing agency for the disabled called AbiliCorp. L even went so far as to e-mail me a job-posting list for my area of experience she'd recently gotten from them. I was then able to log into the AbiliCorp site, post my resume, and apply for several positions in the San Francisco Bay Area (where I am at present). As an addendum, today I visited the office of the Employment Development Department, who, among other services, are providing me with a message phone number (written message posted on the EDD bulletin board) to use on my resume/application. After only two days, I saw today a message posted for me from an AbiliCorp representative who'd found and spoken with a prospective employer who was impressed by my resume. Though I haven't got an interview yet, the representative says he's pressing for that - all good news.
In addition to that, I still have many other "irons in the fire" - and am consistently submitting applications as I almost daily receive relevant job listings through Monster and elsewhere. I'm still living (post graduate extension) at the Salvation Army ARC - my last day here will be Nov 17th. Though my housing situation after that is still uncertain, I've got leads I'm working there also.
As always, my thanks to all of you who have sent words of encouragement and good advice.
Paul S
PS: I now have a blog strictly dedicated to my resume and job search: Paul L Schneider - feel free to visit, and pass it along!
Friday, October 30, 2009
Life, The Universe, and Everything
Greetings All,
High time I updated you on what's going on with me, so here's the latest.
On October 21st, I graduated from Phase II of the Salvation Army Oakland Adult Rehabilitation Program (I now have a "prestigious plaque" stating same). I am, however, still a resident/beneficiary for a few weeks (at my own request) while I conduct my job and housing search. Said job search is going moderately well, given that as a resident, I'm still required to participate in program activities here, including "work therapy". Today I'm on a pass, and waiting (as I write) for things here in downtown Oakland to open up so I can continue my search.
I also have an appointment next week (finally) with a counselor at the California Department of Rehabilitation to discuss ways/options to manage my search and ultimately employment on the bases of my dual (but related) disabilities (HOH and Vertigo - Meniere's). I've already encountered in my job search some rather nonsensical (unrelated to job descriptions) requirements for "valid CA driver's license and a vehicle" (I have neither, nor do I intend to drive again). I'll be pressing my counselor for how to handle such situations when I'm obviously otherwise qualified.
While I haven't had any interviews yet, I've got several irons in the fire (applications in, and contacts made, followed up) that look very promising - but I'm not resting on these; continuing to flood the market with "me" as best I can. Meanwhile, of course, being on Monster.com and other job search engines with my resume, I'm getting plenty of "noise" from the aggressive insurance sales industry, etc. - I have neither the interest nor the qualifications to be an insurance agent, but having "reviewed" my resume (sure, ha ha), I'm a "perfect candidate" for same. I also got an interesting e-mail from a "company" whose "esteem client" is seeking (and this is the entirety of the "job description") a data analyst (I do possess such label on my resume). Being ever the diligent job seeker, I replied with minimal information myself. I suspect an information gathering scam (they wanted reference contact information before even providing a detailed job description, let alone offering an application). The sharks are out there, circling for easy prey (the hungry fish).
What follows, for posterity's sake, is an edited version of my "testimony" speech that I delivered at my graduation on October 21st, 2009. I've omitted a fairly large section of personal thanks to people most of you wouldn't know. The remainder of my testimony expresses pretty well how I feel about a program and a process that has very literally saved my life...
Testimony
Paul Schneider
October 21, 2009
My name is Paul, and I'm an alcoholic of the hopeless variety.
I categorize myself that way, because hard experience has shown me that I am incapable of managing my life on my own self-will and thinking. My attempts to do that are what brought me to the Salvation Army - with no home, no job, a failed marriage, and no power to recover any of these. I was broken and desperate, and I had little will to live. I could see no hope for my future. When I came to this program, I was just over 30 days from my last drink, and I was very sure that my abstinence couldn't possibly survive another 30 - since I was constantly obsessed with the idea of drinking, and had nearly succumbed several times. Alcohol was my master. I was hopeless against its fury.
I am not going to tell you that this program is easy, because it definitely wasn't easy for me, especially in the first few months. I struggled painfully with the structure and rules of the program, many of which I could make no sense of. Many of my run-ins with those rules, and the consequences I faced from them, brought me frustration, and thoughts of leaving to escape what I saw as unjust punishments. But amid that struggle, there was one thing I couldn't escape, and that was the hopeless state I was in when I came to the program. As frustrated as I was, I knew that I was unqualified to judge anything or anyone - because without help, I was lost to my addiction, and would certainly only face the three well known options every alcoholic/addict ultimately faces - jails, institutions, and death.
I thank God for one feature of this program that, when I embraced it fully, began to effect a change in me that over the long term has replaced my hopelessness with a real hope, and a real serenity. That feature is the emphasis this program places on the 12 steps of AA and NA. I was no stranger to Alcoholics Anonymous, having attended many meetings in the years prior to my arrival here. What I hadn't done, though, was work those 12 steps in earnest. I had never had a sponsor, nor had I ever even tried to work any of the steps beyond step 3 - and today I know that I really hadn't worked even the first three steps honestly. What little wise mind I had left decided that I would throw myself full-force into the 12 steps while I was living in this sanctuary where I was both required and encouraged to do so.
One of the biggest spiritual changes that happened for me was when I actually took steps 4 and 5 with my sponsor. I was able to make a thorough and honest 4th step inventory, and shared the details with my sponsor in my 5th step. My spiritual experience didn't happen all at once, but I gradually began learning - down in my bones - acceptance; the acceptance of life on life's terms. That spiritual gift, which I didn't earn, but which was given to me through this process, has made a huge difference in my level of frustration with the program and changes that I've gone through since. I still ran up against rules and structure sometimes, but I now had a powerful connection with the God of my understanding, and a willingness to turn my frustrations at the things I can't control over to Him.
Having done so now, time and time again, it becomes easier every time, and I now have a new voice in my head to challenge the twisted thinking that sometimes still crops up - it's a quiet voice of peace and serenity which simply tells me to relax and let go of outcomes - I need only do the next right thing, and let God handle all the outcomes. I recently had a powerful test of this new serenity when I did a 9th step amends with my former employer and some co-workers at the work site. I still stand amazed at the serenity I carried into and throughout that process - knowing that it was the right thing to do, and no matter what the outcome, I could have peace with it, because the outcome wasn't mine to control.
To you, my brothers in this program, I can only state honestly, that this serenity I've experienced is far better and more powerful than any feeling I've chased in my alcoholic addiction. This serenity lasts, never produces a hangover, and spurs me forward to greater health; physical, emotional, and spiritual. Get this serenity yourselves, by working this program - as I have - as though your life depends on it. You'll be rewarded with amazing changes from the inside out.
It occurs to me as I write this testimony, that it is pitifully easy for this alcoholic to take for granted the real compassion that I've received from all of my friends, family, staff, and others in the fellowship of the AA program.
I have so many people to thank for this process that has brought me a new hope. If I omit anyone, please know that it's because of the frailty of my broken alcoholic brain - and that I daily stand in awe of the true friends that God has placed in my life.
My first thanks, of course, is to that God of my understanding, who, though he may not look exactly like anyone else's, is a God of love and forgiveness. I thank him for leading me into the safety and sanctuary of this Salvation Army ARC - and for the staff here who clearly have a deep concern for the physical, emotional, and spiritual well being of all of the beneficiaries.
...
To my Phase I brothers, thank you for the friendship and the laughter you've shared with me every day. I stand before you today as an example of what you can do if you stick and stay, one more day. This recovery program really works, and the daily struggles are worth the effort - expect to be changed from the inside out.
To my Phase II brothers, thank you also for your friendship and encouragement. Remember that your Phase I brothers are watching you for signs of hope. Your leadership can demonstrate to them that change really is possible if we work for it.
I want to close with something very familiar to most of you, but I want you in this moment to understand that it's not just a bunch of words we read at meetings. I testify here and now that this is actually happening for me, even as I speak.
If we are painstaking about this phase of our development, we will be amazed before we are half way through. We are going to know a new freedom and a new happiness. We will not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it. We will comprehend the word serenity and we will know peace. No matter how far down the scale we have gone, we will see how our experience can benefit others. That feeling of uselessness and self-pity will disappear. We will lose interest in selfish things and gain interest in our fellows. Self-seeking will slip away. Our whole attitude and outlook upon life will change. Fear of people and of economic insecurity will leave us. We will intuitively know how to handle situations which used to baffle us. We will suddenly realize that God is doing for us what we could not do for ourselves.*
Are these extravagant promises? We think not. They are being fulfilled among us - sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly. They will always materialize if we work for them.*
I'm Paul, and I'm an alcoholic.
* Alcoholics Anonymous, 4th ed., pp. 83, 84
High time I updated you on what's going on with me, so here's the latest.
On October 21st, I graduated from Phase II of the Salvation Army Oakland Adult Rehabilitation Program (I now have a "prestigious plaque" stating same). I am, however, still a resident/beneficiary for a few weeks (at my own request) while I conduct my job and housing search. Said job search is going moderately well, given that as a resident, I'm still required to participate in program activities here, including "work therapy". Today I'm on a pass, and waiting (as I write) for things here in downtown Oakland to open up so I can continue my search.
I also have an appointment next week (finally) with a counselor at the California Department of Rehabilitation to discuss ways/options to manage my search and ultimately employment on the bases of my dual (but related) disabilities (HOH and Vertigo - Meniere's). I've already encountered in my job search some rather nonsensical (unrelated to job descriptions) requirements for "valid CA driver's license and a vehicle" (I have neither, nor do I intend to drive again). I'll be pressing my counselor for how to handle such situations when I'm obviously otherwise qualified.
While I haven't had any interviews yet, I've got several irons in the fire (applications in, and contacts made, followed up) that look very promising - but I'm not resting on these; continuing to flood the market with "me" as best I can. Meanwhile, of course, being on Monster.com and other job search engines with my resume, I'm getting plenty of "noise" from the aggressive insurance sales industry, etc. - I have neither the interest nor the qualifications to be an insurance agent, but having "reviewed" my resume (sure, ha ha), I'm a "perfect candidate" for same. I also got an interesting e-mail from a "company" whose "esteem client" is seeking (and this is the entirety of the "job description") a data analyst (I do possess such label on my resume). Being ever the diligent job seeker, I replied with minimal information myself. I suspect an information gathering scam (they wanted reference contact information before even providing a detailed job description, let alone offering an application). The sharks are out there, circling for easy prey (the hungry fish).
What follows, for posterity's sake, is an edited version of my "testimony" speech that I delivered at my graduation on October 21st, 2009. I've omitted a fairly large section of personal thanks to people most of you wouldn't know. The remainder of my testimony expresses pretty well how I feel about a program and a process that has very literally saved my life...
Testimony
Paul Schneider
October 21, 2009
My name is Paul, and I'm an alcoholic of the hopeless variety.
I categorize myself that way, because hard experience has shown me that I am incapable of managing my life on my own self-will and thinking. My attempts to do that are what brought me to the Salvation Army - with no home, no job, a failed marriage, and no power to recover any of these. I was broken and desperate, and I had little will to live. I could see no hope for my future. When I came to this program, I was just over 30 days from my last drink, and I was very sure that my abstinence couldn't possibly survive another 30 - since I was constantly obsessed with the idea of drinking, and had nearly succumbed several times. Alcohol was my master. I was hopeless against its fury.
I am not going to tell you that this program is easy, because it definitely wasn't easy for me, especially in the first few months. I struggled painfully with the structure and rules of the program, many of which I could make no sense of. Many of my run-ins with those rules, and the consequences I faced from them, brought me frustration, and thoughts of leaving to escape what I saw as unjust punishments. But amid that struggle, there was one thing I couldn't escape, and that was the hopeless state I was in when I came to the program. As frustrated as I was, I knew that I was unqualified to judge anything or anyone - because without help, I was lost to my addiction, and would certainly only face the three well known options every alcoholic/addict ultimately faces - jails, institutions, and death.
I thank God for one feature of this program that, when I embraced it fully, began to effect a change in me that over the long term has replaced my hopelessness with a real hope, and a real serenity. That feature is the emphasis this program places on the 12 steps of AA and NA. I was no stranger to Alcoholics Anonymous, having attended many meetings in the years prior to my arrival here. What I hadn't done, though, was work those 12 steps in earnest. I had never had a sponsor, nor had I ever even tried to work any of the steps beyond step 3 - and today I know that I really hadn't worked even the first three steps honestly. What little wise mind I had left decided that I would throw myself full-force into the 12 steps while I was living in this sanctuary where I was both required and encouraged to do so.
One of the biggest spiritual changes that happened for me was when I actually took steps 4 and 5 with my sponsor. I was able to make a thorough and honest 4th step inventory, and shared the details with my sponsor in my 5th step. My spiritual experience didn't happen all at once, but I gradually began learning - down in my bones - acceptance; the acceptance of life on life's terms. That spiritual gift, which I didn't earn, but which was given to me through this process, has made a huge difference in my level of frustration with the program and changes that I've gone through since. I still ran up against rules and structure sometimes, but I now had a powerful connection with the God of my understanding, and a willingness to turn my frustrations at the things I can't control over to Him.
Having done so now, time and time again, it becomes easier every time, and I now have a new voice in my head to challenge the twisted thinking that sometimes still crops up - it's a quiet voice of peace and serenity which simply tells me to relax and let go of outcomes - I need only do the next right thing, and let God handle all the outcomes. I recently had a powerful test of this new serenity when I did a 9th step amends with my former employer and some co-workers at the work site. I still stand amazed at the serenity I carried into and throughout that process - knowing that it was the right thing to do, and no matter what the outcome, I could have peace with it, because the outcome wasn't mine to control.
To you, my brothers in this program, I can only state honestly, that this serenity I've experienced is far better and more powerful than any feeling I've chased in my alcoholic addiction. This serenity lasts, never produces a hangover, and spurs me forward to greater health; physical, emotional, and spiritual. Get this serenity yourselves, by working this program - as I have - as though your life depends on it. You'll be rewarded with amazing changes from the inside out.
It occurs to me as I write this testimony, that it is pitifully easy for this alcoholic to take for granted the real compassion that I've received from all of my friends, family, staff, and others in the fellowship of the AA program.
I have so many people to thank for this process that has brought me a new hope. If I omit anyone, please know that it's because of the frailty of my broken alcoholic brain - and that I daily stand in awe of the true friends that God has placed in my life.
My first thanks, of course, is to that God of my understanding, who, though he may not look exactly like anyone else's, is a God of love and forgiveness. I thank him for leading me into the safety and sanctuary of this Salvation Army ARC - and for the staff here who clearly have a deep concern for the physical, emotional, and spiritual well being of all of the beneficiaries.
...
To my Phase I brothers, thank you for the friendship and the laughter you've shared with me every day. I stand before you today as an example of what you can do if you stick and stay, one more day. This recovery program really works, and the daily struggles are worth the effort - expect to be changed from the inside out.
To my Phase II brothers, thank you also for your friendship and encouragement. Remember that your Phase I brothers are watching you for signs of hope. Your leadership can demonstrate to them that change really is possible if we work for it.
I want to close with something very familiar to most of you, but I want you in this moment to understand that it's not just a bunch of words we read at meetings. I testify here and now that this is actually happening for me, even as I speak.
If we are painstaking about this phase of our development, we will be amazed before we are half way through. We are going to know a new freedom and a new happiness. We will not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it. We will comprehend the word serenity and we will know peace. No matter how far down the scale we have gone, we will see how our experience can benefit others. That feeling of uselessness and self-pity will disappear. We will lose interest in selfish things and gain interest in our fellows. Self-seeking will slip away. Our whole attitude and outlook upon life will change. Fear of people and of economic insecurity will leave us. We will intuitively know how to handle situations which used to baffle us. We will suddenly realize that God is doing for us what we could not do for ourselves.*
Are these extravagant promises? We think not. They are being fulfilled among us - sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly. They will always materialize if we work for them.*
I'm Paul, and I'm an alcoholic.
* Alcoholics Anonymous, 4th ed., pp. 83, 84
Saturday, August 29, 2009
Rescue and Recovery
With the slow, groaning thunder of splintering wood and shearing metal, the ship struck ground on the rocks. With a final shudder, it listed about 45 degrees and came to rest. The crew that hadn't fallen into the sea jumped in, lest the heavy weight of the broken hull give way and swallow them or crush them.
The miracle to be known later was that no hands were lost - though many were battered and bruised. And if it were not apparent then, it would become known that a crew who'd weathered such a storm - and ultimate wreck - together, would remain a crew in spirit forever.
And so it was that a new ship would sail, with a crew seasoned by water and fire - ready to take on whatever new adventures beckoned on the horizon. The open seas would know the steadfast hope of sailors undaunted by calamity.
The voyage begins again...
To all my friends and colleagues, and especially to those of you who loved me when I could not love myself.
It is with humility, love, and joy that I make my first post to this blog since January of 2009 (somewhat amazed that it's still here (blog) and that I've been able to recall/regain my access to it).
I want to thank all of you who have been regular readers here, as well as the friends and colleagues who have helped me, for your patience and kindness, both before and during my long absence while I've been gaining recovery from my alcoholism.
I owe many of you significant amends - not least for my vanishing from and dismissal of your care and concern. This post can hardly be sufficient to the making of such amends. Within the next few months, I'm hopeful that I can talk with many of you (those who wish) more directly. I am doing very well in my my recovery program, and have great hope for a bright future in sobriety. This post is meant to re-open contact with those of you who wish to be in touch.
I am, at this writing, a beneficiary of The Salvation Army Adult Rehabilitation Center (ARC) in Oakland, California. I have been in this residential treatment program for just over 7 months (entered on 1/16/09) - a graduate of their 6-month recovery program (7/19/09), now one month into their optional "Phase II" Life-Skills/Reentry program (90 days). I am writing this from my sister's home - I am on a 48 hour pass from the program for a visit to same.
I will not likely have the opportunity to post here again for at least several weeks. As a beneficiary, I am quite limited in terms of communication (a good program design, really - allowing focus on recovery) - though I do now have limited access to e-mail at:
pschneiderarc@live.com
Readers who wish to are welcome to contact me there.
I have missed all of you very much. One of my personal projects (as I have/had time) has been writing about the process I've gone through in my addiction and recovery at the ARC. My long-range goal is to compile this into a book. As I'm able, I'll post some of that material here as well. Eventually, this blog will take on a new look and "feel" - as it reflects the the history of my recovery, and the positive changes that have taken place in me.
Yours in gratitude,
Paul S
(AKA: LifeWrecked - in recovery)
The miracle to be known later was that no hands were lost - though many were battered and bruised. And if it were not apparent then, it would become known that a crew who'd weathered such a storm - and ultimate wreck - together, would remain a crew in spirit forever.
And so it was that a new ship would sail, with a crew seasoned by water and fire - ready to take on whatever new adventures beckoned on the horizon. The open seas would know the steadfast hope of sailors undaunted by calamity.
The voyage begins again...
To all my friends and colleagues, and especially to those of you who loved me when I could not love myself.
It is with humility, love, and joy that I make my first post to this blog since January of 2009 (somewhat amazed that it's still here (blog) and that I've been able to recall/regain my access to it).
I want to thank all of you who have been regular readers here, as well as the friends and colleagues who have helped me, for your patience and kindness, both before and during my long absence while I've been gaining recovery from my alcoholism.
I owe many of you significant amends - not least for my vanishing from and dismissal of your care and concern. This post can hardly be sufficient to the making of such amends. Within the next few months, I'm hopeful that I can talk with many of you (those who wish) more directly. I am doing very well in my my recovery program, and have great hope for a bright future in sobriety. This post is meant to re-open contact with those of you who wish to be in touch.
I am, at this writing, a beneficiary of The Salvation Army Adult Rehabilitation Center (ARC) in Oakland, California. I have been in this residential treatment program for just over 7 months (entered on 1/16/09) - a graduate of their 6-month recovery program (7/19/09), now one month into their optional "Phase II" Life-Skills/Reentry program (90 days). I am writing this from my sister's home - I am on a 48 hour pass from the program for a visit to same.
I will not likely have the opportunity to post here again for at least several weeks. As a beneficiary, I am quite limited in terms of communication (a good program design, really - allowing focus on recovery) - though I do now have limited access to e-mail at:
pschneiderarc@live.com
Readers who wish to are welcome to contact me there.
I have missed all of you very much. One of my personal projects (as I have/had time) has been writing about the process I've gone through in my addiction and recovery at the ARC. My long-range goal is to compile this into a book. As I'm able, I'll post some of that material here as well. Eventually, this blog will take on a new look and "feel" - as it reflects the the history of my recovery, and the positive changes that have taken place in me.
Yours in gratitude,
Paul S
(AKA: LifeWrecked - in recovery)
Saturday, January 3, 2009
The Keychain Frog and the House Key
Keychain Frog (KF) was never a tadpole. Not knowing his origin, he was about two inches long and one high, not counting the length of the chain growing out of his back, nor the length of his bright red curled up tongue - which he could never retract into his mouth, as he had none. His body was bold blue with yellow patches, all of which contained within them red splotches.
KF's first memory was of his bin at the register of the hardware store - he shared it with many other keychain animals, including other frogs of similar and different colorings. Consequently, KF didn't consider his existence to be particularly unexpected or significant.
As the chain in his back was a part of him from "birth" (though it carried no sensations), he rarely thought about it or its purpose in his life - that is, until the fateful day when he was plucked from his bin by a large creature who seemed either bent on eating him, or spinning him through the air on his chain - neither of which appealed to his fancy; though his life in the bin hadn't seemed all that fanciful either, so stoic acceptance was his watchword.
This all changed suddenly, when the creature produced the most stunning being KF had ever seen - nothing like his companions in the bin.
This being was about the same length and breadth as KF, but in it's third dimension (KF being quite portly in that one), this being was so thin, it almost could be said to not occupy its third dimension at all. The most stunning part about it, however was its coloring - KF had never experienced all of these colors on one being at once - red, orange, yellow, green, blue, and violet, interspersed with a brilliant white. Furthermore the creature was broad at one third of its length, then abruptly much thinner, with an attractive jaggedness on one side and a perfectly straight edge on the other.
Summoning up all his courage and boldness, KF spoke to this being, and asked of it its name. "I am House Key (HK)" replied the creature. KF, not knowing either what a house was, nor a house key, assumed it was just a name, much like his own - which bore no meaning to him other than his identifying moniker (he had never asked, and hence never found out, that many others in his birth bin bore the same name as him).
In yet another surprise, the giant creature which had plucked KF from his nest then proceeded - through apparently great effort - to permanently fasten HK to the far end of KF's chain. As neither had a clue how to alter this situation, it appeared to both that they would be fused in this way for the rest of their lives (whatever that might mean).
Both KF and HK being of a stoic nature (HK would later relate to KF the story of her torture on a grinding wheel by the largest creature she had ever seen), they accepted their mutual fate, and as conflict would certainly be untenable in this situation, agreed to be friends, with mutual benevolence and altruism being their philosophy.
This accidental arrangement went very well for a time, and when the pair was placed in a strange, dark but warm place for great lengths of time, they kept each other company by whispering stories to each other. These stories came, unsurprisingly, not from vast experience (truth be told, they had little experience to relate), but from the imagination born of long days of silent waiting. Both agreed that this imagination was the best palliative for the loneliness of existence - for all who exist are lonely by definition of being separated from the vast consciousness which in fact dreamed them into their own forms. Thus did their shared philosophical discussions comfort them.
One day, in the middle of just such a conversation, KF and HK were together thrust into the daylight by the self-same creature who had originally fused them. Then a very strange and disturbing thing occurred. HK was quickly thrust into a small metal crevice - her thin end first - and as she hardly even fit, she screamed in agony as her jagged side scraped painfully on one side of the crevice, which was also jagged, but did give way, albeit grudgingly. Now an even greater torture was perpetrated, as the creature brutally twisted HK in this crevice by her wide end before finally jerking her out of the crevice again with the same painful, jagged motion.
KF, for his part, could only watch in horror as the tragedy unfolded. As they were together thrust back into their dark, warm place, KF wondered if HK would be the same, or would the shocking experience change her to her core?
"Are you alright?" KF asked with great concern. "Yes, I think so." said HK, "It was very scary and painful, but somehow I feel different now, and not entirely in a bad way."
"What do you mean by different?"
HK had to ponder for a moment.
"I feel... I feel like I know why I'm here - sort of - it's hard to explain... I feel somehow there's actually some purpose or meaning for my existence - but that meaning isn't inside of me, and I'm not sure I understand it completely."
"Do you mean you're meant to be tortured in that awful crevice? That doesn't sound like it has a useful purpose to me!"
"I know it doesn't make much sense, Keychain Frog, but it's a feeling I've got now. It's as if that huge creature was using me for something greater than I can understand. Something powerful and deep and profound. The pain I felt made it all the more real to me. I honestly can't explain it, but I've been touched by something truly awesome."
"All well and good," said KF, with a hint of sarcasm in his voice, "but where does that leave me?"
"I'm not sure, Keychain Frog, but I think - or I feel? - that the same is true for you - there's something greater that you're here for than just existing. You have a purpose - but you won't find it all in your imagination - there's something outside of you that needs your participation."
"What could I possibly be here for, House Key? All my life things have just happened! I was born, I know not how or why. I've been thrust here and there, without my control or consent. I know nothing of what may happen in my future, if I even have one! And yes, I can see that something about you has changed, but I'm not sure I have your confidence in it."
"That's OK, Keychain Frog, I won't force my new viewpoint on you - though I do think you'll discover it for yourself in time - after all, we're best friends, and so we shall remain."
"That is true, House Key, for better or worse, we're together - so for what it's worth, if you learn more about your purpose, or especially mine(!), please be sure to tell me."
"That I'll do gladly, Keychain Frog, and I don't think I'll be the one to define your purpose for you - after all, I'm not even sure what my own is! Your meaning will unfold for you alone, as we experience together our strange new existence. And don't worry about me - something in my experience just now told me that the pain is necessary if I am to learn."
And so it went between the two friends for a long time. They continued to share stories and imaginings, but HK's imaginings took on a new dimension that very much impressed KF - her thoughts, instead of being in the past or present as they had been, now tended to dwell in the future - she even seemed to start looking forward to those strange, jagged, twisting torture sessions. Oddly, these seemed not to harm her in any permanent way - in fact, she seemed to grow stronger and calmer and wiser the more they happened.
One day, during one of their dark, warm conversation times, HK grew thoughtful, and asked KF, "Have you thought anymore about what might be your purpose, your meaning?"
"I have," replied KF, to a slightly surprised HK "and oddly, in a strange way, I think it has something to do with you and your purpose."
"How so, Keychain Frog?" asked HK.
"Don't get me wrong, House Key - I don't know that my purpose is as grand or profound as yours. Listening to you talk about it all this time, I can tell you're onto something really good and important. But now I'm convinced there's some reason we got fused together - it wasn't just so I could follow you around and watch you go through your pain."
"I think you're right about that, Keychain Frog, but don't sell yourself short. Even as you 'follow me around', you're participating somehow in that great dance that I believe gives meaning to both of us. And something tells me that I couldn't do my part without you there."
Then it happened.
KF and HK were lounging in their dark warm place when suddenly they felt a tugging, but it was different than the normal feeling when the giant creature pulled them out. It was more a slow, jerky sliding motion, and whoops! Out they fell, to another dark place, but it wasn't warm here. Both were a little scared, as this had never happened to them before.
All the more scary was the fact that the giant creature was nowhere to be seen. Strangely, they'd come to rely on this creature and its habits.
Time in this place waxed very long, but KF and HK occupied themselves, as usual with stories and philosophical discourse. Much of that discourse centered on KF finding his own purpose and meaning (while helping HK try to elucidate her own - a daunting task!)
Then they both saw a bright light entering their dark place, and they recognized the familiar voice of their giant master. "Where is that frog! Find the frog! - it's the only way we'll find the key!" "I found the frog, daddy!" piped a smaller, higher voice. "Good for you honey! Is the key still attached to it?" "Yes, daddy, what a pretty key, and a pretty frog too!"
And so KF and HK were returned to their warm, dark place, and from that moment on, KF no longer wondered if he had a purpose and meaning in his life. He'd seen and heard that these big creatures valued him as a helper for finding their prized key (who KF now prized even more).
Still not knowing the ultimate reason for it all, and wisely realizing that they may never know for sure, KF and HK continued on, as best friends, serving their master as best they could, with confidence and pride in knowing they both had a real purpose and meaning.
KF's first memory was of his bin at the register of the hardware store - he shared it with many other keychain animals, including other frogs of similar and different colorings. Consequently, KF didn't consider his existence to be particularly unexpected or significant.
As the chain in his back was a part of him from "birth" (though it carried no sensations), he rarely thought about it or its purpose in his life - that is, until the fateful day when he was plucked from his bin by a large creature who seemed either bent on eating him, or spinning him through the air on his chain - neither of which appealed to his fancy; though his life in the bin hadn't seemed all that fanciful either, so stoic acceptance was his watchword.
This all changed suddenly, when the creature produced the most stunning being KF had ever seen - nothing like his companions in the bin.
This being was about the same length and breadth as KF, but in it's third dimension (KF being quite portly in that one), this being was so thin, it almost could be said to not occupy its third dimension at all. The most stunning part about it, however was its coloring - KF had never experienced all of these colors on one being at once - red, orange, yellow, green, blue, and violet, interspersed with a brilliant white. Furthermore the creature was broad at one third of its length, then abruptly much thinner, with an attractive jaggedness on one side and a perfectly straight edge on the other.
Summoning up all his courage and boldness, KF spoke to this being, and asked of it its name. "I am House Key (HK)" replied the creature. KF, not knowing either what a house was, nor a house key, assumed it was just a name, much like his own - which bore no meaning to him other than his identifying moniker (he had never asked, and hence never found out, that many others in his birth bin bore the same name as him).
In yet another surprise, the giant creature which had plucked KF from his nest then proceeded - through apparently great effort - to permanently fasten HK to the far end of KF's chain. As neither had a clue how to alter this situation, it appeared to both that they would be fused in this way for the rest of their lives (whatever that might mean).
Both KF and HK being of a stoic nature (HK would later relate to KF the story of her torture on a grinding wheel by the largest creature she had ever seen), they accepted their mutual fate, and as conflict would certainly be untenable in this situation, agreed to be friends, with mutual benevolence and altruism being their philosophy.
This accidental arrangement went very well for a time, and when the pair was placed in a strange, dark but warm place for great lengths of time, they kept each other company by whispering stories to each other. These stories came, unsurprisingly, not from vast experience (truth be told, they had little experience to relate), but from the imagination born of long days of silent waiting. Both agreed that this imagination was the best palliative for the loneliness of existence - for all who exist are lonely by definition of being separated from the vast consciousness which in fact dreamed them into their own forms. Thus did their shared philosophical discussions comfort them.
One day, in the middle of just such a conversation, KF and HK were together thrust into the daylight by the self-same creature who had originally fused them. Then a very strange and disturbing thing occurred. HK was quickly thrust into a small metal crevice - her thin end first - and as she hardly even fit, she screamed in agony as her jagged side scraped painfully on one side of the crevice, which was also jagged, but did give way, albeit grudgingly. Now an even greater torture was perpetrated, as the creature brutally twisted HK in this crevice by her wide end before finally jerking her out of the crevice again with the same painful, jagged motion.
KF, for his part, could only watch in horror as the tragedy unfolded. As they were together thrust back into their dark, warm place, KF wondered if HK would be the same, or would the shocking experience change her to her core?
"Are you alright?" KF asked with great concern. "Yes, I think so." said HK, "It was very scary and painful, but somehow I feel different now, and not entirely in a bad way."
"What do you mean by different?"
HK had to ponder for a moment.
"I feel... I feel like I know why I'm here - sort of - it's hard to explain... I feel somehow there's actually some purpose or meaning for my existence - but that meaning isn't inside of me, and I'm not sure I understand it completely."
"Do you mean you're meant to be tortured in that awful crevice? That doesn't sound like it has a useful purpose to me!"
"I know it doesn't make much sense, Keychain Frog, but it's a feeling I've got now. It's as if that huge creature was using me for something greater than I can understand. Something powerful and deep and profound. The pain I felt made it all the more real to me. I honestly can't explain it, but I've been touched by something truly awesome."
"All well and good," said KF, with a hint of sarcasm in his voice, "but where does that leave me?"
"I'm not sure, Keychain Frog, but I think - or I feel? - that the same is true for you - there's something greater that you're here for than just existing. You have a purpose - but you won't find it all in your imagination - there's something outside of you that needs your participation."
"What could I possibly be here for, House Key? All my life things have just happened! I was born, I know not how or why. I've been thrust here and there, without my control or consent. I know nothing of what may happen in my future, if I even have one! And yes, I can see that something about you has changed, but I'm not sure I have your confidence in it."
"That's OK, Keychain Frog, I won't force my new viewpoint on you - though I do think you'll discover it for yourself in time - after all, we're best friends, and so we shall remain."
"That is true, House Key, for better or worse, we're together - so for what it's worth, if you learn more about your purpose, or especially mine(!), please be sure to tell me."
"That I'll do gladly, Keychain Frog, and I don't think I'll be the one to define your purpose for you - after all, I'm not even sure what my own is! Your meaning will unfold for you alone, as we experience together our strange new existence. And don't worry about me - something in my experience just now told me that the pain is necessary if I am to learn."
And so it went between the two friends for a long time. They continued to share stories and imaginings, but HK's imaginings took on a new dimension that very much impressed KF - her thoughts, instead of being in the past or present as they had been, now tended to dwell in the future - she even seemed to start looking forward to those strange, jagged, twisting torture sessions. Oddly, these seemed not to harm her in any permanent way - in fact, she seemed to grow stronger and calmer and wiser the more they happened.
One day, during one of their dark, warm conversation times, HK grew thoughtful, and asked KF, "Have you thought anymore about what might be your purpose, your meaning?"
"I have," replied KF, to a slightly surprised HK "and oddly, in a strange way, I think it has something to do with you and your purpose."
"How so, Keychain Frog?" asked HK.
"Don't get me wrong, House Key - I don't know that my purpose is as grand or profound as yours. Listening to you talk about it all this time, I can tell you're onto something really good and important. But now I'm convinced there's some reason we got fused together - it wasn't just so I could follow you around and watch you go through your pain."
"I think you're right about that, Keychain Frog, but don't sell yourself short. Even as you 'follow me around', you're participating somehow in that great dance that I believe gives meaning to both of us. And something tells me that I couldn't do my part without you there."
Then it happened.
KF and HK were lounging in their dark warm place when suddenly they felt a tugging, but it was different than the normal feeling when the giant creature pulled them out. It was more a slow, jerky sliding motion, and whoops! Out they fell, to another dark place, but it wasn't warm here. Both were a little scared, as this had never happened to them before.
All the more scary was the fact that the giant creature was nowhere to be seen. Strangely, they'd come to rely on this creature and its habits.
Time in this place waxed very long, but KF and HK occupied themselves, as usual with stories and philosophical discourse. Much of that discourse centered on KF finding his own purpose and meaning (while helping HK try to elucidate her own - a daunting task!)
Then they both saw a bright light entering their dark place, and they recognized the familiar voice of their giant master. "Where is that frog! Find the frog! - it's the only way we'll find the key!" "I found the frog, daddy!" piped a smaller, higher voice. "Good for you honey! Is the key still attached to it?" "Yes, daddy, what a pretty key, and a pretty frog too!"
And so KF and HK were returned to their warm, dark place, and from that moment on, KF no longer wondered if he had a purpose and meaning in his life. He'd seen and heard that these big creatures valued him as a helper for finding their prized key (who KF now prized even more).
Still not knowing the ultimate reason for it all, and wisely realizing that they may never know for sure, KF and HK continued on, as best friends, serving their master as best they could, with confidence and pride in knowing they both had a real purpose and meaning.
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